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I wish I could love without having to fear... [Jan. 4th, 2016|02:37 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[mood |cynicalcynical]
[music |out of it by Fallulah]

I don't know which is worst not feeling anything or only really being able to feel the bad stuff strongly.

I woke up today in not the best state of mind...I just wish I could feel the good stuff as strongly as I use too. I wish I could get proper excited again like I did when I was younger. I really don't think I should be this jaded at my age.

I'm in one of those moods where I can't decide if I just want to get rid of everything because whats the point of all this shit I surround myself with! Or if I want to huddle even closer to all of it because it's some of the few things that actually make me feel something.

The days when being a sociopath sounds good because then you won't feel guilty for not feeling.
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So I guess this is a thing I do now... [Apr. 8th, 2015|03:03 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

Every time that I'm talking to someone via text or messenger and I say something that they then don't respond too for awhile be it 10 mins or hours. My mind will instantly go to worse case scenario. Then it's just an endless spiral downwards or how much said person is angry at me or is done with me.

It's an almost constant feeling of Did I say the wrong thing? Was I to blunt? Did I take something to far?

Even on occasions that I look back and re-read what I said and don't see anything wrong with it. Part of me still feels all the blame is on me. Even if the other person is in the wrong as well.

I am just so insecure when it comes to friendships now a days. I know why...but even knowing the root of my issues still doesn't help calm my thoughts when stuff like this happens.

Part of me knows I'm blowing things way out of proportion but the other part of me is like "yeah you could be but what if you're not and they really are super mad at you!? It's happened before and you weren't prepared at all so better to be prepared then to be caught unawares."

So now every time it happens I just mentally prepare myself for my friend to leave me, just like all the other times.
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2011|05:01 am]
[Current Location |This house]
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |Spice Girls]

Wow I haven't been on here in so long...Mostly because I couldn't remember the password..And partly because I didn't really have much to say.

I still don't really have a lot to say.

Portland's not working like I hoped it would....I think it's because the city may have changed but I'm still the same old shy,paranoid loser that I've always been.

I just cant seem to change that..and I know it's up to me to change..

I'm just not seeing the point in it all. Really if you could just leave me in a little room with a bathroom,kitchen and internet ..Id be good.maybe let me out every once in awhile to see the stars.*shrug*

I really don't see the point in me.

Funny thing is I don't know if I wanna go back to walla walla... think if I end up going back i'm gonna feel like even more of a failure.

Of course at least in walla I had friends..Here i'm trapped in this house. Then again in this house i'm not plagued but all the thoughts I was plagued with in walla. Some of the bad thoughts are still there but not all of them...

I think if I could have brought people with me then Portland wouldn't be so bad...But then again how would I know I haven't really been out of this house for the past week and a half. :/
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Sometimes It feels like my cat is the only one who cares....but all he really wants is to be pet.;-; [Jun. 25th, 2010|03:27 am]
I am in the worst head space right now..

I just feel like i'm this hideous monster that no one will ever love, because I have a big nose,weird bushy eyebrow,dry skin,small boobs,big butt,jiggly belly, stupid hair.......I just wanna stab or rip or just destroy SOMETHING!

I just want to get these feelings out of my head! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!!!! >_<

I have been on the verge of tears pretty much all night..God I don't even know...GAH!

I just wanna start punching something and keep punching it until I pass out from exhaustion.

I'm not pretty enough to find someone to love me...I don't have a good enough job to pay for anything...I'm not smart enough to go back to school....I'm just not enough..ever.

It doesn't help when you really like this guy...but he just wants to be friends..so you try to move on...and yet everyone always comes to you about info on him cuz you should know right your always with him anyway right? FUCK THAT BULLSHIT! If you wanna know what he is doing ask him!

I am NOT his personal secretary!

I need to get out of this fucking town...I just want to disappear.....melt away...poof!
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What is this feeling? [May. 24th, 2010|03:14 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |Puzzle pieces-A trip to paris]

*sigh* I'm so fucking confused....Like really have no idea as what to do. Usually I have some thought as to what I could do in situations but this one...I just..Idk.

Ok So my queer is like here let me set you up with this girl I know(Lindsey)! So i'm like sure...Never dated a girl..been curious about it..I'll give it a try and see where it goes. We start hanging out...it cool. She is fun,nice,cute, and funny. I just can't read her...I have no idea how she feels about me at all! I ask my queer and he says..."no no its all good! Nothing but good things!" ....ookk...That doesn't really help me but I'll go with it..

Then I talk to Gus and he says something about her being unsure as to weather she actually wants to date anyone...at all right meow. Ok Thats cool I guess...I feel i'm not super high matanice but whatever flouts your boat.

We continue to hang out and everything is going good...I think..idk. Then Kirspy and I hab a party at house where everybody get pretty fucking drunk...minus Billy and I(we were the DD's). Anyway As the night was winding down she was getting more cuddly and touchy feely. Which was fine..I was ok this is nice. Some how we all ended up spending the night at Krispy's. So Lindsey and I got the futon...where she was very..very cuddly..>..>

And me being me was like...ok this is fine...then hands started to wander lower and I got a little scared. Cuz like really what are you suppose to do in that situation? I mean she was drunk,there were other people in the room;one of them being her brother,and before this we hadn't done anything...ever. We hadn't even been on a date. So I was like O,O Kristy help!

I ended up having to tell Lindsey to slow it down..cuz really what else could I do? Yaz said I should have gone for it...Drunk hands speak sober hearts and all that...but She was drunk and I just couldn't do it..

Idk...maybe I'm just not into girls that way...or maybe I just need to give it more time.. I mean it usually takes me quite a while before I develop super strong feelings for anyone. It doesn't help that i've been looking at her brother...But idk if thats just because I'm in an unknown situation right meow or it just feels safer somehow...I mean he is adorable and everything but idk..

I really with I could just take something/have someone tell me how I feel and what i should do! That would be super handly for me right meow...

I kind of just want to ask her right out "Where do we stand?" Cuz I really have no idea..;-;
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Can't do it alone. [May. 13th, 2010|11:36 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]

I realize that no one really reads this but...if you happen to stumble upon my humble blog. I would very much like most any advise that you could give me. For I am not at all sure what to do.

First of all I consider myself bi-curious. Mostly because I have never been with a girl, and therefore don't know for sure. Then me being me didn't ever really think that a girl would be interested in me..Because it hasn't really happened before. So I kind of figured it wasn't super likely to happen. I guess I was wrong...hehehe >.>

I really have no idea what to do. Neither does she, I would be her first girl as well..so things are moving....slowly. It would help if I knew what she thought of me..I think my queers know but they aren't telling me much of anything except that that there are no bad thoughts on her part. Which is nice to know yes, but I would very much like to know which way her feelings are going. I mean are they leaning toward friendship or relationship? I'm hoping for the latter.

I really just wish I had someone to talk to about this. I don't mean to say I don't have any friends, I do. It's just that I would much rather talk to a girl about this type of thing...ya'know? And well most of my friends of the gender are either far away,super busy all the time, or wouldn't really have any idea how to help me mostly cuz they don't really swing that way and are kind of leery on the whole thing anyway..

I guess the only thing I can really do is man up and ask her....Eep! O,O It really doesn't help that at first we are bout shy as all hell!

So if anyone decides to read this and they have any advise as to what to do in this situation, please feel free to give it. Unless its hateful and homophobic...If it is just shhhhh! No one cares just go jerk off to your animal porn and leave us alone. ^_^
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Hide and seek sir.. Do you play it? [May. 1st, 2010|04:46 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[mood |chipperchipper]

AHHHH its so late but tonight was so epic! I must write about it!

So here is what went down......GIANT game of Hide and Seek! It was very win. I got to see Naomi and Stacy and Jesse and a whole bunch of other people I didn't know! 8D We played until around 10 ish I think...All I know was that we were starting our 3rd round when some cop was like "you guys need to leave. -_-" Twas sad.

But I got to hide with Jesse and his GF....we hid under a pine tree. Super fun and pokey. But we didn't get found so +10 ninja skillz! Then for the second round Jesse was it so My and his GF had to go hide somewhere else...which turned out to be in a tree. + another 10 ninja points! It was good times! Minus the drunk people that randomly showed up. >.>

Then we all headed down town as to please that cop....hung around for awhile be for some of us ended up at Naomi's place. Watch some Ninja turtles...played a ton of card games. Some how it ended up just being me and Stacy at teh end playing operation and War. Stacy is the king of games! Minus bullshit. XD

Ahhh tonight was good. I wish for many more night like this...but sadly Naomi is off to basic..;-; and Stacy if off to pullmen...I think. *le sigh*
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With that deceiving little smile and your blackhole of denial. [Apr. 14th, 2010|02:39 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Front row-Metric]

Man I just feel so blah right now..Not happy, not sad, not anything really...like nothing can touch me,excite me...anything. Maybe its from lack of sleep...added on to the stupid romance books I've been reading..maybe thats whats got me all down in the gutters..

God I don't even know what I want anymore.

I thought that if I could just find someone to love and trust then things would alright. That I would have some bright part of my day to look forward too..ya'know? But now its starting to feel like it might not happen..at least not anytime soon.

Then I think about all my hang ups about intimacy and my issues with my skin...and I just think "How am I ever going to let anyone that close..?"

I'm just so torn right now...fuck.

Then Kara ask me if I would move with her to Edmond. Not now but after she finishes her AA degree. So like maybe a year from now..ish... It sounds scary as fuck...but I think it would be good for me to finally move away from this town. Meet new people, hopefully go to a comunnity college there...just you know get out and see the world a bit.

Idk. We shall see....
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2010|01:56 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Tidal wave-Owl city]

DUDE! Sakura-con is in 2 days 10 hours 50minutes and 48...7..6...5...seconds! D8

AHHHHHHH! I'm sooo...blah about the whole thing..It kinda sad really. I want to go and I know that once we finally get up there we are sure to have a least a bit-O-fun. Idk I just can't get as excited as I use to...;-;

Idk it whatever! I found Cocoa butter lotion that smells like licorice~! 8D

Maybe it cuz I didn't really make any new cosplays this year...Well sleepy time ulquiorra but...I don't think that really counts sense I bought all that stuff..I didn't really make anything..kind of a downer. But alas that is the life of a poor 20 something year old...lol

I guess Kirsty has a bunch of new lolita out fits and is going to dress as many people as she can in them <( FUck you M! Fuck you!!! Took me like 8 trys to hit the stupid M..-_-) Which means I'm going to the lolita meet up she is having on saturday at con...YEAH!

I'm just happy to have someone else that can drive..legally. >.>

Mmmhhhh lets see....I have had this fun obsession with Matthew Grey Gubler from criminal minds.. It nice..but kind of really sad at the same time..

I really need a life...but then again how many times have I said that? True story.
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(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2010|03:04 pm]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |Gold,Guns,Girls-Metric]

OK so what the fuck happen to Happy? I mean really! Did it just Kbye the world? or is it just my town? Cuz I swear to God that everyone I talk/listen to are the most unhappy pieces of emo poo ever! Really though everyone is "my life sucks", "My love life sucks!", "I'm uber stressed all the fucking time!"

I feel like you know what? Get over it. Just sayin... AND I know people will be like it not that easy! and I'm sure you get sad too! So don't be such a hypocritic! GOSH!

You know what I say to that!? IDC! Make it that easy! Man up pussy! I know I get sad to but I try not to let it eat me, I let it brood for a while...Rant about it then let it go. Cuz life is just to short to hold on to all the bad things.

I'm not sayin forget everything....just let it go. Push it all off the bottomless cliff in your head or whatever. You can do it. If you really want to... After you do that then just try and find happiness in the little things in life. Like a good song,Funny youtube video,Hanging out with friends just bullshiting around,find some alone time, Reading your favorite book, reading a new book!, going for a walk, Laughing, just anything and everything really.

idk....I doubt anyone will listen to this rant..even if it is the one rant they should listen too.

I just don't get how someone can want to end their life before they even really go to live.

It just makes me so angry that they can be so careless with their life. They don't even think about what/who they're leaving behind to clean up the mess. It's just so selfish!>.<

Just sayin.....
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